Let’s Make a Deal

Adapted from the book For Men Only by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn

I remember my experience of purchasing “MY” first car out of college.  I wanted to do it alone and prepared like all good warriors should. I remember the feeling of sitting in that seat when the “CAR SALESMAN” said “blah, blah, blah…let me talk this over with my manger.”  I felt so good when I closed the deal on “MY” first car…I came, I conquered, I closed!  Fast forward 4 years, I am standing at the alter listening to the pastor saying “I now pronounce you husband and wife”. I felt like the man in that car dealership…I came, I conquered, I closed…wrong!

I did not know what my strong, confident, independent woman already knew…and apparently the majority of women everywhere. “The Deal” is never closed.  Out of the over 3,000 women surveyed for the book For Men Only,  50% said that their relationship was “..often/occasionally in the back of my mind” and 19% said “It’s something I’m conscious of most of the time.”  That is 69% of women think about “the relationship” a lot!  So in a nutshell this means the deal is never closed.  “Even if your relationship is great, your mate likely has a fundamental insecurity about your love; and when that insecurity is triggered, she may respond in ways that confuse or dismay you until she feels reassured that you love her.” (Jeff Feldhahn).  Oh, those weak, emotional and unstable women…or are they?  A way you, as a man, may be able to relate is how often do you think about your responsibility to provide for your family.  My job and my need to provide is defiantly something I think about “..often/occasionally and…something I’m conscious of most of the time.”

So here are some “Hidden Triggers” that set these insecurities off in our spouses. 

• Conflict – when the two of you are at odds, her questions and insecurities of your love may begin.
• Withdrawal – Is this how we sometimes respond to conflict…nah!  To our spouse this is a time to fill the void with “what if” or “will he snap out of this”?
• Silence – Even if the silence is due to “things” outside the marriage it is easy for a woman to jump to her own conclusions.
• Her “emotional bank account” is depleted – You do not have to be the reason for this account being depleted, but it could trigger the feelings of insecurities within the relationship.
• You’re absent a lot – this could be physically or mentally; she can experience this absence as a challenge to her security in your love.
• Unresolved relationship issues – We as men miss this all together.  Issues in our bride’s life need to come to closure.  We can put things nicely away in the nothing box that exist in our brain, but you have to understand your wife cannot…if she gives you space, you must go back and resolve the issues to give her closure…(there is your deal to close).

  

So What To Do?...REASSURE & PURSUE

1. During conflict, reassure her of your love…yes even when it is difficult.  If you would say something like “I am angry right now and I need to go in the garage, but we are okay.”  This reassures her that you still love her.
2. When you need space, reassure her that it’s not about her.  Crystal has told me that when I reassure her that my silence (which does not happen often) is not about her it allows her to concentrate fully on giving me the space I need. 
3. If she’s upset, realize she doesn’t need space, she needs a hug.  Unlike us most women do not need space to try to work things out.  They need our support and they need it most when there is tension between us.  Now I am not talking about when she has just thrown a shoe at you…hug not appropriate.  During the tension this is the time she needs to know we are there for her.
4. If she needs to talk about the relationship, do your best to listen without becoming defensive. “If she needs to talk, try to see it as she does: a joint problem solving session instead of an attack on you.”  “All this research has convinced me that when most women bring up a problem, they are not thinking that we’ve failed – and we need to push through our natural tendency to view what they are saying as criticism.” (Jeff Feldhahn)
5. If she is being difficult, don’t stop – keep reassuring her of your love.  Yes this is by far the most difficult lesson that Tim Breaux had/has to learn in marriage.  Most women don’t even know why they do this but in some way it is an “attempt to assuage their inner uncertainty about his love.”  We all need to know that our spouse will love us even when we are not lovable because if not them then who?  Your wife is simply saying pursue me, come to me, even when you don’t “want” too.

PURSUE

“Pursuit is action” - it’s what you did when you first saw her and wanted to make her yours.  It prevents a lot of her insecurity.  Keep in mind that this deal is never closed and it never will be so keep pursuing.

Some of you may be saying “Now Tim I am man, this is not my nature.  I close the deal that is what a do.”  Let me put it to you this way.  I hate the phrase “Getting in touch with your feminine side”  because God has made me man.  I am uniquely made as a man who is created in the image of God just like woman is uniquely woman created in the image of God.  So I cannot get in touch with something that God has not given me…I simply do not have “feminine” in me. 

So let me illustrate a point.  My friends that are deer hunters tell me that they spray deer urine scent on them to attract and capture the deer.  These hunters are not deer nor do they want to be a deer, nor do they posses the deer nature.  But they will go to extremes (spraying deer urine on you is extreme in my book) to capture the deer.  Learning how the mind of a woman thinks is no different, you do not have to get in touch with your “feminine side” you simply have to go do what the world says is “extreme” to find out what is the essence of your bride.  Learn her nature and you will capture her heart...again like you did when you first thought you closed the deal.