How Do You Love Him?

Adapted from the book "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn

Do you love your husband? Of course you do, but did you know that your Love is not enough? Did you know that your Respect Means More to Him than even your affection?

In the amazing book that changed my whole perspective many years ago, For Women Only, Shaunti Fieldman shares several studies from various men.  The results are astonishing.  When asked the question, 74% of the men stated that they would rather feel alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected.

You may be thinking, respect is what I give to the elderly or he does not deserve my respect.  Well, here is the deal; “If you want to love your man in the way he needs to be loved, then you need to ensure that he feels your respect most of all.” (Shaunti Fieldman)

We, as wives want to love our husbands, but respect is not something that comes naturally or something that WE THINK is important. So why does God specifically say in Ephesians 5:33, wives RESPECT your husband. God commands it because he knew that He created men to have a need to feel respected just as women have a need to feel loved.  John 14:15 says, “If you love Me, you will keep my commandments.” It does not get any plainer than that. If you love God, you will respect your husband as God commanded.  It is unconditional and not given only when WE THINK he deserves it. 

For most of us ladies, if someone asked if we respected our husbands, the answer would be yes, without a doubt. So men, understand that we don’t mean to be disrespectful. We are trying to encourage, help, have fun or fix things without ever knowing we can be so hurtful.  I have to admit in the beginning of my marriage, I had no idea that my words which seemed to be innocent to me, came across so unloving (disrespectful to Tim).  So ladies let’s break it down, as in For Women Only.  To show your husband love, what should you respect?      

·         Respect His Judgment – In the same survey mentioned above many men stated that they wished their wives would not question their knowledge or argue with their decisions all the time. Our husband is not our child. Don’t be so argumentative and respectfully appreciate his decisions.

·         Respect His abilities – Men have a need to figure things out and not allowing them is interpreted as mistrust or you can not take care of me. “What is more important you being right and on time or making your husband feel you trust him?” (Shaunti Fieldman) I remember one day Tim spent an entire Saturday afternoon determine to put together a new stereo system.  Instead of making fun of him or telling him to call an “expert”, I tried to cheer him on and let him know he could do it.

What if you are scared it won’t turn out right or won’t get  done.  I John 4:18 says there is not fear in love.  Respect and honor your husband and give God your fear.

·         Respect in Communication – We have to be sensitive to what our man is hearing no matter how we think we are saying it.

o       He hears Disrespect when we tell him he can’t or needs help.

o       He hears he is a Disappointment and a Failure when we continue to nag and let him know he has not completed a project.

o       He feels Attacked with our tone that we think is just trying to give a gentle message.

Tim has to gently remind me he is not my child or someone I can boss around when I have my directive tone of voice.

·         Respect in Public – You are probably the one person your husband has let his guard down with in his life. You have such power to build him up or tear him down by the way you treat him in public. When with a group of friends do you

o       Tease him which can be torture and humiliating?

o       Respect his wishes and speak kindly of him when he is   absent?

o       Build him up in public, brag on him, and tell of his accomplishments?

·         Respect in our Assumptions – I have been so guilty of jumping to my own negative conclusions when I feel Tim is acting a certain way. See if this sounds familiar?

o       We assume he needs to be reminded instead of trusting there may be a reason why he is or is not doing something. Although the reason may be different from yours, there may be a reason. Procrastinating on a home project can be a sign that he’s about to emotionally or physically crash.  Seek to understand.     

o       We assume he is choosing not to help when we need to assume he does not see what needs to be done. Tim honestly does not see there are clothes that need to be folded if he is home by himself because it is not important to him. But once I kindly ask for him to help, he is more than willing to do so.

o       We assume it’s because of him. Could it be that his behavior is because we did something that came across as disrespectful and he is hurt, but does not know how to communicate it to you. I love the suggestion Emerson Eggerich makes for clear dialog. Don’t be afraid to ask: “Was that disrespectful?” “Did I come across disrespectful?” “What can I do to show you respect.”

It is a lot to swallow but to summarize what we should do to show respect to our husbands (although there may be more or less depending on your husband)

·         Build him up instead of tearing him down.  He did not marry you to disappoint you.

·         Always ASSUME THE BEST which will make it easier to show respect.

·         Never humiliate in public.  How would you like it if he teased you about gaining weight?

·         Tell him you are proud of him, not just that you love him.

·         Apologize for being disrespectful (for your actions, not how you know you made him feel).

“If a man’s wife believes in him, he can conquer the world – or a least his little corner of it.”

Join us over the next 12 weeks as we follow these amazing books.

For Men Only and For Women Only 

A Godly Marriage blog

If you were following us on the C4 blog we have decided to change things up a little.  We welcome you and would love for you to continue to follow us on this new blog (agodlymarriage.blogspot.com) as we continue on the adventure we call Marriage.

Marriage is God’s idea, not something humanity has invented on our own, and so this is uniquely a God idea.  Evidence of this is in Genesis 2:18 “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”   This is where the idea behind the title “A Godly Marriage” was developed and this is where we will share our heart and what we feel God is guided us to write.  Sometimes we think the problems in our marriage are so insurmountable that leaving, or worse staying in a miserable marriage, is our new normal.  If God invented this marriage thing, gave it to Adam and Eve and said “Here I gave you everything you need, enjoy” (Tim’s words you won’t find that quote in the bible) don’t you think He may have given us instructions, examples and/or people with wisdom to guide us along this journey?  I am going to say the answer is yes.

So for the next 12 weeks we will take a journey into “What you need to know about the Inner Lives of Men” and “A Straightforward Guide Mapping the Inner Lives of Women”  from the books For Women Only & For Men Only by Jeff and Shanunti Feldhahn.  These two books have been pivotal in teaching both of us how to love our spouse in a way that they truly desire to be loved.  We feel these two books are a “must have” for any marriage so if you would like to read along with us click on the titles of the books for more information or about purchasing.  This marriage journey is not meant to be easy (Adam & Eve assured us of that) and I promise if you desire a change in the way you think and feel about the opposite sex you will find it in these resources.  Okay, are you ready to be changed?  Are you ready to open up the hearts and minds of your spouse and finally figure out what is really going on in there?  If the answer is yes then stay tuned for the beginning of a life, and most important a marriage, changing 12 part series. 

Tim & Crystal Breaux

You Have a Choice

How many times have we heard 1Corinthians 13 read at a wedding ceremony? Unfortunately, I think it has become so common, the power of what God says about love is not always taken seriously. In the past few weeks, in our Sunday school class, we focused on verse 7. I have to be honest; I do not know that I have really thought that deep and hard about this particular verse.

I Corinthians 13:7

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Those are nice words to be spoken at a wedding, but do we really apply them when things get tough. The truth is we have to choose the attitude about our marriage and spouse that will protect, trust, hope and persevere.

Let’s break down each of these words and what they may mean in our relationships.

PROTECT your marriage:

In today’s culture, there are so many things (that are not obvious) that can sneak into your marriage and destroy it before you even know it. We have to have the attitude that we will PROTECT our marriage no matter the cost. That may mean deciding not to read certain books or view things on the internet, TV and movie theater. They may appear to be innocent, but can quickly drift our thoughts some where that are not of our spouse or of God.  It may mean cutting ties with friends that do not encourage your marriage or desire a Godly marriage of their own. We are to protect our marriage not only from physical harm, but from anything that does not bring honor to our marriage.

TRUST his/her intentions:

When we hear the word trust, we automatically think about going out and doing something wrong, but ask yourself this? Do you always trust the intentions of your spouse were good or do you automatically believe the worst?  When she has been home all day and the house is a wreck, do you automatically assume that she has been lazy?  When he does not help around the house, do you automatically think he is inconsiderate of your feelings? Could it be that she was helping a friend who was ill, or a child that was suddenly sick? Could it be he does not see the importance of the help you THINK he should because it is not important to him?  However, he would be more than willing to help if you gently and positively shared your feelings and needs with him.  Our spouse does not want to disappointment us. We can not assume that we know the reasons for the actions of our spouse.  People, who stay in love, TRUST the intentions of their spouse and DO NOT ASSUME the worst. You have a choice of what your attitude will be.

HOPES for the best:

I don’t know about you but when someone believes that I can do it, I am much more motivated and encouraged to do my best. What comes across more loving?

“I knew you would not remember, what was I thinking” or “That is ok, I know you have a lot going on right now with so many things to remember”. I am not saying that the issues should not be addressed, but we can do it in a loving way that brings HOPE to our marriage and encouragement to the other person. 

Proverbs 12:18 says:

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrust of the sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

How do you choose to response to your spouse? Have hope and see the best in them at all times.

PERSEVERES through the hardest times:

I am deeply saddened by how easily Americans give up.  Nothing, I mean nothing, in life comes easy.  It is not easy to lose weight, save for a house, graduate from college or gain  a promotion.  But, somehow we think if our fairy tale illusion of marriage is not perfect, we must be wrong for each other and need to call it quits. After 15 years of marriage, I can say it is the best it has ever been, but it is definitely not because we have been the prince and princess for this roller coaster called marriage.  It is because we persevered through some of the toughest things imaginable, we chose not to give up hope for what God could do and submit to what Christ says about marriage. You have a choice to push through it when times are “not perfect” and I promises God will use it for good and bring strength to your marriage.

Guarding your heart…

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

Adapted from Staying in Love by Andy Stanly

So as we talk about guarding our heart, what does that really mean?  I will start by saying if I were getting married today I would request that Crystal play the theme song to Sanford and Son.  What?…yes, because the two of us brought in so much junk it would only be appropriate to play a song that fit the occasion (for those of you youngsters or those too refined who do not know what Sanford and Son is Google the theme song…it is junk yard funk at its best!!).  “We all bring baggage from relational hurts in our pasts.  And that baggage will inescapably influence the way we experience our marriages.” (Andy Stanly in Staying in Love).  So what do we do when this “junk” starts to surface in the inevitable heated discussion?  Here are four ways to think, identify, name, and tell what the real problem is and this will help you guard your heart.

1.     Before you speak, think about what you’re actually feeling.

Is the issue really the issue?  Am I angry with Crystal because she is lovingly correcting a behavior flaw in my character or am I angry because I am embarrassed with the way I acted?

2.     Identify this emotion or reaction by name (Ex. I feel embarrased).

Is this really anger or is it embarrassment for the way I acted?  Do I feel disrespected by the way Crystal is correcting this flaw?  Do I feel picked on because she is pointing out to me my behavior?  You need to name the emotion or reaction so you can identify the source of that emotion or reaction.

3.     Once you have identified it say the name out loud.

Sorry, I did not say this stuff was easy.  However, think about what we tell addicts when they are first coming to grips with their addiction.  We tell them to admit out loud that they have a problem.  This is the same thing, you have an issue so say it out loud and let’s get the process of addressing the issue under way.

4.     Tell your partner how you feel…if and when it is appropriate.

Okay men here we go with the “feeeeling” thing again.  But how will Crystal know that I am more angry and/or embarrassed at myself for my action then at her for pointing out my behavior? How else will I allow Crystal, the person who knows me best, the ability to help me become a better, father, friend, husband?  If I do not dare to share how will she know I care (come on, that was so bad the first time I HAD to use it again!)

So think about what you are really feeling, identify the emotion, say it out load, and tell your partner.  I promise the close bond you feel with your spouse from doing this exercise will out weigh the strange feelings you feel when trying this for the first time.  Go forth, be brave and guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life (Proverbs 4:23).  And remember it is only junk that you really don't need to keep.