What do your wife and Microsoft have in common?

Sorry for the delay in getting this new posting.  The Breaux’s welcomed a new member to the family last week...no it was not us…Crystal’s sister had a baby.

Adapted from the book For Men Only

This chapter was the single most significant “ah ha” moment for me within this book; and arguably could be one of the most significant teachings to help me understand my bride and the workings of her amazing brain…so please gentlemen read on. 

OPEN WINDOWS

So how is your wife and Microsoft the same?  They both have Windows and pop-ups.  Let me explain what is going on inside your wife’s head right now at this moment.  Like your work computer, she has several “windows” open all at the same time.  Sometimes she can only minimize these windows and not really close them out.  In addition, if she closes one window another will take its place.  Not only does she have several windows open she also has spam that pops-up in her head that she really can’t control.  The windows represent her day-to-day life and all the emotions and “to-dos” and the spam is emotions and/or events from her past that she cannot control, and according to most women, she would if she could.

THERE’S LOTS GOIN’ ON IN THERE

I am starting to understand that Crystal tends to have many different thoughts and feelings all running at the same time.  This may explain why women jump topics in the middle of conversation.  There are so many of these windows, pop-ups and spam going off inside her head.  She is attempting to address them all…all at the same time.  Men, with the limited mental capacity we posses, we handle emotions and issues sequentially; we open a window, address it and close the window.  You must understand your wife does not.

INVASION OF THE POP-UPS

“Many woman surveyed stated they experience uninvited thoughts or feelings, from the present or the past, that pop-up and interrupt their day.”  These pop-ups may be unresolved emotional issues, hurts from a conversation, or concerns from last night, last month, or ten years ago.  You may say “she is getting historical” and “dwelling on the past” but we men have to understand that the “issue” is not closed.  And to your wife it is irrational behavior not to address the "issue", and she will return to the "issue" until the pop-up window is closed.  And trust me it will benefit you to help her close that pop-up so it goes away…all the way.

WHERE’S THE CLOSE BUTTON

As stated before women find it difficult to close off these windows.  In the survey results in For Men Only “4 out of 5 women stated that closing out their unwanted thoughts either required effort or was impossible.”  Let us be honest men we have no problem closing the window especially if we do not want to deal with the emotion.  Does this sound familiar your wife ends an argument with “FINE!” you shot back “FINE!” you both walk away.  You think, “Man am I glad that is over.”  Your wife thinks, “When do I need to bring this back up?”  “I hope we talk about this tomorrow when we have cooled down.”  “I can’t believe he end the argument this way the night before my big presentation. I will think about this all day.”…not wrong just different.  This may help you relate.  You just lost your biggest client on Thursday.  Your boss stops by your office on Friday afternoon and says he wants to talk to you first thing Monday morning.  What are you thinking about all weekend?

WHAT ARE WE TO DO

1. Remember she is not male and you are not female.  Therefore, you have to realize what she needs.  Allow and even encourage her to process the windows through talking them out and listening…don’t solve just listen.
2. Realize you may not be the issue, even though the issue affects you.  Ask if you are the problem and if you are take the steps towards closure.  And if you are not the problem listen…shut up Tim Breaux and simply LISTEN!!! (if any of you know me I really do have a problem).
3. Help her clear those distracting or painful windows so they don’t keep coming back…give her closure.  Ask yourself “What can I do to help?”  An easy example; Sunday mornings are very busy at the Breaux household.  I had to learn to ask Crystal “What can I do to help?”  This allowed Crystal the ability to close the windows that she would assign to me.  I am responsible for getting Zach dressed (of course, she does not let me pick the clothes), making sure Hannah & Zach’s teeth are brushed and that all study material is in the car.  Those items are now removed from her list.

Gentlemen, we must remember God made us different, not wrong, just different and that is what makes this thing we call marriage work...and you have to work at it.  So start to use the terminology around the house…”Baby (insert pet name here), what pop-ups or windows can I help you close today?” 

 

The Performance of a Lifetime

Adapted from the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahan

Here is another secret your man may never reveal, despite their “in control” exterior, men can often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered. Really? I have to admit, this was hard for me to believe. I am married to a very confident man, and therefore did not always feel like I needed to give him words of encouragement. I believed in him and ASSUMED he did too.

But according to a study in For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahan, three out of four men are insecure at times, but don’t want to show it.  To compensate for this insecurity, many men feel the need to work long hours and become exhausted by the need to look “on the ball” all of the time. Naturally, a man’s need to perform and do his best usually takes its greatest toll at the job. However, one man in the survey stated: “At least at work, I have an idea of how to succeed-work hard, get ahead, complete assignments and get in good with the boss.  At home, what is the measure of success?’

If that thought has never crossed your mind, ask your husband if he feels that way.  If so, what are we to do?

1. Affirm him with YOUR CONFIDENCE:

There are many things that Tim does for his job and our family.  I have complete confidence in him but have not always verbalized it to him. I need to let him know how much I believe in him and appreciate what he does.

2. Do not knock him when he is down, he is hard enough on himself.  My desire is for our home to be a safety net for Tim.  When he has had a hard day or feels as though he has failed, I do not need to add more pressure with criticism.

Proverbs 18:14 says,

A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?

Ladies, lets never forget the power we have to sustain our husband during hard times. Above all else, he wants to know you believe and trust in him.

3. Appreciate his vulnerability toward you.

We expect and desire our husband to do and be so many things. Yet we can often correct him if we think it is not just right. Does this sound familiar?

• We want him to be the spiritual leader of our house, yet we criticize the way he prays or spends time with God.
• We want him to be more romantic, yet when he is, it is not done the right way according to how we are feeling that day.
• We want him to handle the finances yet we do not totally trust his decisions and feel the need to correct.

      Proverbs 18:12 says

Before his downfall, a man’s heart is proud, but before honor comes humility.

Is your husband able to humble himself and admit he needs help and encouragement, without receiving criticism based on your personal fears or insecurity?

              

4.      Be his biggest cheerleader

I do not want anyone in this world encouraging or bragging on Tim more than I do. I have been so guilty of caring about what is on the outside such as how I look, how my house looks or the perfect home cooked meal that I miss opportunities to lift him up. He would rather come in to a positive and upbeat wife than a perfect house.  In “For Women Only, the men surveyed were quoted as saying,

“Men will receive admiration from other men in sports, and from other women, but what they want most is to receive it at home.”

Each day our husband feels like he is performing.  Do not  let a day go by, that he does not feel you believe in him.

Hebrews 3:13 says

But encourage each other daily, while it is still called today, so that none of you is hardened by sin’s deception.

Let’s Make a Deal

Adapted from the book For Men Only by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn

I remember my experience of purchasing “MY” first car out of college.  I wanted to do it alone and prepared like all good warriors should. I remember the feeling of sitting in that seat when the “CAR SALESMAN” said “blah, blah, blah…let me talk this over with my manger.”  I felt so good when I closed the deal on “MY” first car…I came, I conquered, I closed!  Fast forward 4 years, I am standing at the alter listening to the pastor saying “I now pronounce you husband and wife”. I felt like the man in that car dealership…I came, I conquered, I closed…wrong!

I did not know what my strong, confident, independent woman already knew…and apparently the majority of women everywhere. “The Deal” is never closed.  Out of the over 3,000 women surveyed for the book For Men Only,  50% said that their relationship was “..often/occasionally in the back of my mind” and 19% said “It’s something I’m conscious of most of the time.”  That is 69% of women think about “the relationship” a lot!  So in a nutshell this means the deal is never closed.  “Even if your relationship is great, your mate likely has a fundamental insecurity about your love; and when that insecurity is triggered, she may respond in ways that confuse or dismay you until she feels reassured that you love her.” (Jeff Feldhahn).  Oh, those weak, emotional and unstable women…or are they?  A way you, as a man, may be able to relate is how often do you think about your responsibility to provide for your family.  My job and my need to provide is defiantly something I think about “..often/occasionally and…something I’m conscious of most of the time.”

So here are some “Hidden Triggers” that set these insecurities off in our spouses. 

• Conflict – when the two of you are at odds, her questions and insecurities of your love may begin.
• Withdrawal – Is this how we sometimes respond to conflict…nah!  To our spouse this is a time to fill the void with “what if” or “will he snap out of this”?
• Silence – Even if the silence is due to “things” outside the marriage it is easy for a woman to jump to her own conclusions.
• Her “emotional bank account” is depleted – You do not have to be the reason for this account being depleted, but it could trigger the feelings of insecurities within the relationship.
• You’re absent a lot – this could be physically or mentally; she can experience this absence as a challenge to her security in your love.
• Unresolved relationship issues – We as men miss this all together.  Issues in our bride’s life need to come to closure.  We can put things nicely away in the nothing box that exist in our brain, but you have to understand your wife cannot…if she gives you space, you must go back and resolve the issues to give her closure…(there is your deal to close).

  

So What To Do?...REASSURE & PURSUE

1. During conflict, reassure her of your love…yes even when it is difficult.  If you would say something like “I am angry right now and I need to go in the garage, but we are okay.”  This reassures her that you still love her.
2. When you need space, reassure her that it’s not about her.  Crystal has told me that when I reassure her that my silence (which does not happen often) is not about her it allows her to concentrate fully on giving me the space I need. 
3. If she’s upset, realize she doesn’t need space, she needs a hug.  Unlike us most women do not need space to try to work things out.  They need our support and they need it most when there is tension between us.  Now I am not talking about when she has just thrown a shoe at you…hug not appropriate.  During the tension this is the time she needs to know we are there for her.
4. If she needs to talk about the relationship, do your best to listen without becoming defensive. “If she needs to talk, try to see it as she does: a joint problem solving session instead of an attack on you.”  “All this research has convinced me that when most women bring up a problem, they are not thinking that we’ve failed – and we need to push through our natural tendency to view what they are saying as criticism.” (Jeff Feldhahn)
5. If she is being difficult, don’t stop – keep reassuring her of your love.  Yes this is by far the most difficult lesson that Tim Breaux had/has to learn in marriage.  Most women don’t even know why they do this but in some way it is an “attempt to assuage their inner uncertainty about his love.”  We all need to know that our spouse will love us even when we are not lovable because if not them then who?  Your wife is simply saying pursue me, come to me, even when you don’t “want” too.

PURSUE

“Pursuit is action” - it’s what you did when you first saw her and wanted to make her yours.  It prevents a lot of her insecurity.  Keep in mind that this deal is never closed and it never will be so keep pursuing.

Some of you may be saying “Now Tim I am man, this is not my nature.  I close the deal that is what a do.”  Let me put it to you this way.  I hate the phrase “Getting in touch with your feminine side”  because God has made me man.  I am uniquely made as a man who is created in the image of God just like woman is uniquely woman created in the image of God.  So I cannot get in touch with something that God has not given me…I simply do not have “feminine” in me. 

So let me illustrate a point.  My friends that are deer hunters tell me that they spray deer urine scent on them to attract and capture the deer.  These hunters are not deer nor do they want to be a deer, nor do they posses the deer nature.  But they will go to extremes (spraying deer urine on you is extreme in my book) to capture the deer.  Learning how the mind of a woman thinks is no different, you do not have to get in touch with your “feminine side” you simply have to go do what the world says is “extreme” to find out what is the essence of your bride.  Learn her nature and you will capture her heart...again like you did when you first thought you closed the deal.