Sex Unlocks a Man’s Emotions (Guess Who Holds the Key?)

I have to begin by saying, like most women, I am not comfortable talking about this topic in a public setting. It does not come easy for me. With that being said, I also know that it is a subject that needs to be discussed and not taken lightly. I am concerned when I hear women joke about sex and their husband because they never know or understand how deeply it affects them, not just physically but emotionally. Remember, I am speaking to the ladies. Tim will hit this subject in a couple of weeks with the guys.

What we, ladies have to remember is…

“Our sexual desire for our husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life”. (Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only)

Believe it or not, sex is not just physical, but fills a powerful emotional need in most men

Think of it like this. “A lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating to you.”  How would you feel if every time you asked him to spend some time with you just to talk, he rolled his eyes and disregarded your request? It may seem silly, but remember it is a need that we don’t understand and a need that GOD created him to have different from us.  And while, it may seem inappropriate at times that he desires intimacy such as during a difficult loss, argument or stressful situations, remember it is his way to fill an EMOTIONAL need not just physical. So why is it so important?

·  Fulfilling Sex gives him Confidence

Believe it or not, YOU have the power to build confidence in him in every area of his life. What happens in the bedroom really does affect how he feels the next day about himself and at work.  Have you ever notices his disposition after you have shared intimacy? Was he energetic, spring in his step, the same, gloomy, cheerful to the point of being silly?

·  Fulfilling Sex makes him feel Loved and Desired

I love this quote from a man surveyed in For Women Only,

“I wish my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, you are more important to me that anything else in the world.  It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other”.

We can get so caught up in our “To Do List” of things to show him how much we love him like cleaning the house, cooking, making sure he has nice clean clothes and always looks nice, that we totally miss out on the one thing he wants us to make a priority for him. WE think we know that it is important that we don’t realize the consequences of our responses and view his desire for sex more as a physical desire and an insensitive demand.

Every man wants to fill loved and desired as in Song of Solomon 3:1-4.  I encourage you to read this passage that describes the passion and desire she had for her beloved. This amazing book in the Bible shares the beautiful story of a Godly, passionate romance.

·  Unfulfilling Sex can Wound his heart.

When we say we don’t want to, or act as if it is a sense of duty, it sends a message that we are rejecting him.  It can cause resentment and hurt that can result into anger.

So my question to you today is….

What is the overriding message your husband has received from you so far?

Is that you are a busy lady and your home and job are more important to you; is it, I am available if you want to, but not particularly interested; or is it I love and desire you and nothing will keep me from you?

To ensure we are sending the right message to our husband and to close the sex gap between husbands and wives, we as women need to make a conscious effort to

·  Choose to love him in the way he needs

Remember you are affecting him emotionally, his

heart, not just physically.

·  Talk to him and ASK him what he needs

I know that is scary, but we have to talk about sex to avoid the misunderstandings, anger and resentment that can build up. Make sure he knows that you may be tired at times and it is not HIM that you are rejecting.  Share with him things he may be able to do to relieve some of your stress that gives you more energy for him.

·  Get involved…and have more fun, too

Make the first move every now and then, spice it
up occasionally.

·  Make sex a priority

Are the needs you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?

Are the many other things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one?

Col 3:12

¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Dude, you got a job at the house!

Material adapted from the book For Men Only

“Your woman needs emotional security and closeness with you so much that she will endure financial insecurity to get it.”  Jeff Feldhahn.

Women want security…what does that even mean?  I bet if you polled most men and asked them what is their woman’s definition of “security”, you would get answers like “a nice house, nice car, staying at home taking care of the kids.  You might even get sitting by the pool while you are at work slaving on the job. There might even be a hot cabana pool boy in there somewhere (watch it pal this is a family blog!!!).

Let me make a point by using the concept from the book “Love and Respect”.  When women say “security”, they are saying it through a pink megaphone into our blue hearing aids.  So even though the word S-E-C-U-R-T-Y is the same it means different things to both of us.  In the book “For Men Only” the survey results are very different then what men might think.  Seven out of ten married women said if they had to, they would rather endure financial struggles than distance in the relationship.  “A woman’s primary definition of “security” is not a big house, savings account, retirement, for women it is “Emotional Security”.  The feeling of an emotional connection and closeness to you and knowing that you are there no matter what is the true security.”  What???  That is not what the guys in the locker room told us in high school!  That is not what Hollywood is telling us today!  Come on men you know we find it hard to believe that statistic…I did.  Could some of these issues really be our issues?  Think about the Inner Life of Mr. Provider. 

o  Is it possible that we find this difficult to believe because we have this innate desire to provide?

o  Doesn’t work sometimes define who we are…what do you ask a man the first time you meet him?  “So Bob, what do you do?”

o  Could it be that our sense of self worth is wrapped up in our work?

o  If helping our family achieve financial “security” is how we show love doesn’t long hours = more love?

o  The irony in this whole “security” scenario is that she wants more “emotional security” through our time and attention and we think by spending more time at work we are loving her, which gives her a feeling that she is not the priority…my head hurts!

Therefore, what we have to do is find out what S-E-C-U-R-T-Y means to her.

o  She feels secure when you two feel close (not physically but emotionally).

o  She feels secure when you make time together a priority

o  She feels secure when you demonstrate your commitment.

o  She feels secure when you are active in parenting and the life of the home.

o  She feels secure when you do make an effort to provide.

We must ask ourselves and our wives one question “Am I providing the type of security she genuinely wants and needs?”  One man stated, “Men focus on income and possessions because it is so much easier to measure success in numbers.  Loving attention is much more difficult for us to quantify. 

“Every guy I know who works hard does it at least in part because he believes he’s doing what is best for the family.  Providing for our family is commendable and a biblical injunction.  But we must be willing to ask ourselves whether we are delivering what our family genuinely needs, or whether we’ve somewhere bought into some internal or cultural assumptions that might actually be sabotaging what matters most.  If so, some adjustments are probably in order.” Jeff feldhahn

A Lonely Burden!

According to the studies in For Women Only, a husband’s need to provide weighs him down more than one may think. However, it is a burden that most men say they want to take.

Having this need to provide can often seem confusing to us as a wife.  With this burden may be:

·         His need to work long hours,

·         His primary way to say I love you

·         How he identifies himself

·         His drive to succeed to make YOU proud of him.

There is also a fear of failure which can consume his thoughts.  I know I sometimes don’t get it, either.

You may be saying, “he works all of the time”.  I do believe there must be a balance.  I will always want and have a need for Tim to spend quality time with our family as well as the two of us.  I will always have a desire for us to have long talks and open communication. So it is very important that I communicate my desires, encourage him in the Lord and be supportive so that he does not feel trapped with this lonely burden.

The most important question and quite frankly a journey for me as a wife is How Can I Help Tim with this burden.

·      Become part of the Solution

Several men have stated that the best thing their mate can do is to show that she realizes how tight things are by refusing to spend money unnecessarily. We send mix messages when we tell our husband we want to spend more time with him, yet we tell him WE NEED MORE. Before spending, ask yourself, do we have the money for this purchase? Is it a need or want, will this put additional burden on my husband.

·      Encourage and Appreciate Him

Avoid words like “adjusting to”, “sacrificing for”, or “being willing to accept” as a way to let him know you support him.  Those words only make him feel like he is letting you down.

·   Just Say Thank you

Make a list of the things for which you can thank your provider husband.

Make a list of what you can do to be a part of the solution

·  Be faithful

Being faithful to your husband means more than honoring your marriage vows sexually.  When we lie, hide, sneak, or connive, we are not being faithful.  Does he feel we are being faithful if we are consistently at odds with him about money?

·  As the Manager of the Finances

Even if you are the record keeper and manager of the finances, it does not remove from him the burden he feels.  If he is already feeling insecure about providing, then he doesn’t need you to “ have all the answers.”

Proverbs 3:7

Don’t consider yourself to be wise;     

fear the Lord and turn away from evil

Trust in God and give him control in every area of your life, including your finances.

                    Proverbs 3:1-2

My son, don’t forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commands; for they will bring you many days a full life, and well-being.

Ladies, I had to learn little words that seemed insignificant to me were added pressure on Tim.  Words such as, “one day”, “I want”, “we need”, “when we get” sent him the message that he needed to work more.  If you want to get real, ask your husband how you can take away his LONELIEST BURDEN!

For deeper study, pick up the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn