Keeper of the Visual Rolodex

Adapted from the Book For Women Only

Keeper of the Visual Rolodex.  Isn’t that an interesting name for chapter 6 in the book For Women Only?  To put it bluntly, it is natural for men to look at other women,  and believe it or not, it is hard for them to forget…thus becoming like a rolodex of images in his mind..

I know it is hard to hear, but here is the light bulb in this very interesting chapter. “Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women-and, at the same time, a man needs his wife to be willing to make the effort to take care of herself for him.”

If this is a shock, can you believe even Job, a noble man of God, knew this was a struggle. He understood the magnitude of this temptation and knew it had to be addressed.

He states in Job 1:8

“I made a covenant with my eyes, not to look lustfully at a girl.”

Even if your husband is the finest man in all the earth it may be a struggle not to look. Even if there is no eye candy, he has a “mental Rolodex” of stored images that can intrude into his thoughts without warning or can be called up at will”.  Kind of like that chocolate ice cream we know is in the back of the freezer.

So this may be scary to many of us out there to think that our men are constantly gawking and thinking about other women.  This revelation is meant to change us as women and help us to understand they have this temptation, but it is what he does with that temptation.  For every man, sensual images and thoughts arrive involuntarily.  It is not only unintentional, but automatic, however, he can choose to “take every thought captive” and dwell on them or dismiss them just as Job.

Once we accept men have different struggles than we do, we can change our attitude and remember these key points.

         

·  Every Man is Different

Every man experiences different levels of visual temptation whether it is involuntary or easy to handle sexy advertisement, yet other may struggle with it for days.

·  It’s Not Because of You

It is not because of how you look, what you have done or not done, or because of lack of love for you.

·  This Doesn’t Impact His Feelings for You

We can also play an active role

·  Pray for him

   Ask God to protect him and your heart so that you do not have feelings of anger or hopelessness, but feelings of encouragement.

·  Support Him

Notice and appreciate your husband’s efforts to honor you. Thank him for turning his eye and changing the TV when inappropriate. Think about what you are watching or magazines you are leaving out that may be a temptation for him.

·  Recognize the common factors that make it harder for a man to stay pure in his thoughts.

Help him to not enter the HALT phase. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  If a man is working long hours, is out of sorts with the world, feels unappreciated, feels like a failure as a provider, or is far from home, any or all of those things could weaken his resolve.  If you have ever found yourself eating the entire box of cookies when you feel unhappy, you can understand this dynamic.

·  Determine your involvement

   It is a very sensitive subject, but ask him what you can do to help but don’t be a police. He needs  to find a male friend to hold him  accountable, not his wife.

·  Put effort into your own appearance

The effort you put into your appearance is extremely high on your husband’s priority list, yet, the chance that he will ever expressed this to you is extremely low.  How scary would it be for him to tell you that? 

         

And now ladies, I can not end without addressing the biggest role we have in this temptation.  We need to champion modesty in our self.  I know you will say that some women know what they are doing, but I think that most women are totally clueless about this problem. Not being aware of the magnitude of this temptation, women can thoughtlessly contribute to it.

What you may think is “cute”  may not be the thoughts and words that come to the mind of another man.  Your effort to be modest in your appearance is important to the mental Rolodex of someone else’s husband. 

The knowledge of this temptation is very powerful and mostly likely not something your husband will want to discuss.  So take this information, learn from it and pray about what you can do instead of becoming angry and insecure with this information.  Remember, we have different temptations and we are placed together by God to lift up in prayer.

"Let's Talk About Sex"

Sorry we have been a little out of pocket lately.  We will try to get back to our normal postings of one per week.

Adapted from the book For Men Only

Cheryl James, Sandra Denton & Dee Dee Roper or Salt N Pepa, as most of us know them, said it best when they sang the lyrics “Let’s Talk About Sex”.  It is my opinion, as a Christian, we should heed their advice because if not in the context of God’s word then where can we talk about sex.  Let’s face it men, do you really think the guys in the locker room in high school knew what they were talking about when it came to sex?  I am sorry to break it to you but your teenage “stud” hero friend when you were a young man with the entire Playboy magazine’s collection…ya he was an idiot! 

Today’s topic is a follow up from Crystal’s blog but in this post I will focus on the men and how we as husbands should honor our wives in and out of the bedroom.  In the book “For Men Only” Jeff Feildhahn buts it this way “We think male and female humans are the same creatures, only with different and nicely matching body parts.  We assume we have the same sexual wiring…As one of my puzzled buddies put it, ‘If sex is free and it’s fun, why does she not want lots of free fun?’” You know that is a really great question.  So let us explore that a little more by looking at five truths about our brides and sexuality.

1. She has a lower sex drive than you – and she’d change that fact if she could.

You read that right.  If your wife could change her lower sex drive, she would check out number two to see what you can do about it.

2. She needs more warm-up time than you.

Remember how you use to have to allow the carburetor engines time to warm up before you could speed off into the sunset.  Our wives are no different, work with me here.  “Hey, how about a little action!” is not foreplay for your wife.  She needs to be warmed up and doing the dishes just may be the trick.

3. Your body (no matter how much of a stud you are) does not by itself turn on her body.

I love the story Dr. Emerson Eggress tells of how as your wife gets out of the shower all you can do is stare. It is a sight to behold.  But when you walk out of the shower what does she say…”Hey, get on the mat! Dry yourself off don’t just stand there you’re getting everything wet!  Cover yourself up for goodness sake!” 

4. For her, sex starts in her heart.

Her body’s ability to respond to you sexually is tied to how she feels emotionally about you at that moment.  If you have a fight in the morning and in the afternoon you have forgotten and want to have sex, she cannot feel a sexual desire until the issue is resolved and she feels connected to you again.  Remember in an earlier blog, bring it full circle and close the pop-up.

5. She wants pleasure as much as you do – and if it is not happening, she may be reluctant.

“Some wives don’t experience pleasure when they are intimate with their husbands (around 16%).  Set aside your ego and your defensiveness and open the lines of communication.  This could be a time to learn from issues and may be part of the reason your wife does not want to have more sex.”

SO WHAT IS A BROTHA SUPPOSE TO DO?

1. Pay attention to her – it’s the little things

Great sex starts with helping your wife feel happy and close to you outside the bedroom.

2. Give chase, Agent 007. (The time for pursuit is…always)

A women needs to feel sexy to her man.  But many men do not spend the time or effort in affirming their spouse sexually outside the bedroom.  You should never feel the deal is closed.  Always pursue…ALWAYS!

   3. Warm her up.

Find out what this means to your wife and become a pro.  If that means helping with the kids, cleaning the kitchen or listening to her next to candlelight, figure it out and do it well.

4. Sometimes, hug her just to hug her.

Early in our marriage I had to learn that Crystal needed non-sexual hugs.  I needed to touch Crystal for her sake not mine…with an emphasis on the “non-sexual”.  I also realized I needed to send her a sweet e-mail during day, rub her back, cuddle with her in bed for non-sexual reasons…did I mention non-sexual touch?

5. Help her around the house.  It helps you.

“John Gottman – famous marriage psychologist found in a study that men who do more housework have both happier marriages and better sex lives.”

6. Don’t take “not tonight” personally – use it as a learning tool.

   7. Clean up your act.

o  “Several women, upon finding out that we were writing this chapter, asked Shaunti privately, “you will tell them to brush their teeth, won’t you?”

o  As you prepare for sex look at it as if you were preparing for a date, brush your teeth, shave, DON’T STANK!!!!

8.    When in doubt, ask her.

Gentlemen, we have to understand that our wives sexual desire is not wrong just different.  If you try these things you just might get more sex.  But I will promise you if your intention is solely more sex and you don’t have the heart of a servant or the desire to love your wife as Paul instructs us in Ephesians 5:25-31 you will fail.  This is about love not sex and if you understand that you just might be okay.