It's Not a Competition

To Stay in Love, we have to come to the understanding that our relationship is not a competition with our spouse.  Becoming competitive with our spouse is not something we set out to do; it can just evolve without realizing it. How can we avoid treating our spouse like an opponent instead of a team player?

1.  Give 100%

We have all been told that marriage is a 50/50 relationship. It is important to communicate with each other what responsibilities can be divided within a household so that anger and resentment do not slip in to the relationship. However, we can not allow that to become a demanded expectation. Should I continue to stuff more in the trash can without taking it out myself because that is “Tim’s job”, or should I acknowledge that he is working late that evening and will be exhausted when he gets home. In team sports, I do not remember my coach telling me to give 50% because my team mates would give the rest. We are to give 100% and do it as in Philippians 2:14.

“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure.”

2.  Publicly Praise

Remember when you were dating and you made your friends sick with all of the great and wonderful things about your spouse. Now we feel the need to correct in public, tell what “we do” to give more to the relationship or better yet, one up them. We can tell the story better, we are more “spiritual” and we definitely do not have the same struggles. To keep your mate falling in love with you over and over, talk about him/her in public with that same excitement that you had when you first dated.

3. Treat him/her as the most important person in the world

Yes, no one is more important than another in God’s eyes. I love Andy Stanley’s response is the book Staying in Love.

Imagine what it would be like if you were in the presence of the President of the United States, famous actor or singer. Would you interrupt to correct them if they were telling a story wrong; would you give up your seat for them if there was no place to sit; and you would most likely let them know how much you admire their work.  Philippians 2:7 says that Jesus made himself humble, taking the very nature of a servant. If Jesus humbled himself to serve me, why can’t I humble myself to serve Tim?

4.  Put his/her interest first

We all did some crazy things when we first dated our spouse.  If he liked to fish, you loved it.  If she liked to work out, you loved it. Then something happens over time and we realize we do not have to do the things that interest our spouse any longer. Philippians 2:4 says we should look to the interests of others (that means our spouse too).

So what happens if we give 100%, publicly praise our spouse and treat them and their interest more important, but they do not recipicate?  Well, that is their problem and between them and God.  We are really doing it unto Jesus anyway.

Adapted from Andy Stanley’s study “Staying In Love”

Staying in Love…Love is a Verb

Adapted from Andy Stanley’s study Staying in Love

Falling in love is easy…the only thing really required is a pulse.  It is the staying in love that requires work.  Our culture today tells us that if you’re not happy in your marriage and the marriage is not easy you where not meant to be so you need to go “fall in love” with someone else.  Andy Stanley makes a great point when he says “…our culture has a very low threshold for relational pain.”  If it ain’t easy just get out.    

This brings us to a great question in this culture of “Happiness”.  Can a husband and wife stay in love or better yet stay “happy” forever?  Most of us start our marriage answering this question with a resounding YES!  We believe that it is in fact possible to live happily ever after with the one we marry.  But are our standards too high?  We expect from our spouse respect, encouragement, comfort, security, support, acceptance, approval, appreciation, attention, and affection with no idea of how to give those things back.  In a great book by Gary Thomas called “Sacred Marriage” he makes the point how can we expect marital bliss when you take two sinners and slap them together under one roof and say “Okay you are married go and be happy.”  I brought my junk to this marriage and Crystal brought her junk and we had to sort through all the JUNK before we could ever begin to “Stay in Love.”

So how do we “Stay in Love”?  Christ has given us a clear message in John 13:34 (The Message) “Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another.”  Isn’t that cool how Jesus changes the word love that we use as a noun (a feeling we experience) and highlights it as a verb (action we must take).  Jesus has giving us a command to love one anther as a choice we make that will be followed with the feelings.  Submission seems to be a recurring theme in this marriage journey.  I have notice something of late as I have been working through this idea of submission and loving Crystal as Christ loves me.  I noticed that the Bible states that Christ was a servant to me and loves me as a servant.  This notion of Christ serving is difficult for me but that is exactly what He did when He stepped down from Heaven, took on the form of man, and died for my sins.  Note He did not do these things as a slave.  A slave is forced to love, but a servant desires to serve, desires to love.  The more I study what God says about marriage this theme of “love your spouse as Christ loved you” guides me to love Crystal in a way that is so counter cultural…and I am finally beginning to see the guidance I needed for “Staying in Love” was that love is moving, it is an action.  To be able to say I love Crystal I must serve as Christ served.  It takes love as an action to “Stay in Love”.

The Most Important Job!

I am definitely a Martha, not Mary, by nature. (John 10:38-42)  I feel it is my job to ensure that the house hold runs smoothly, on a schedule and is neat in an orderly fashion.  All that is good, but I can sometimes get caught up in thinking that is all has to be perfect and miss out on amazing opportunities. Opportunities such as participating in an activity with my husband, taking the time to listen to his dreams and concerns, or meeting his needs regardless of how important I think it may or may not be.

Not only can my business to get “MY JOBS” done cause me to miss out, but when not being accomplished, I can become aggrivated, angry, controlling and let’s face it, a little bossy. I can feel it is my job to instruct Tim, as his mother, on what he needs to do and how quickly it needs to be done so that everything goes according to my plan.

The truth is that my most important job for my husband and family is to demonstrate the Character of Christ here on earth.  What an amazing opportunity God has given me.  He chose me to show my husband the tangible love of Jesus here on earth.  I am the closest person to Tim here on this earth, so wouldn’t it seem natural that God would give me that responsibility above anyone else.  What a big job and much bigger than the minuscule responsibilities that I think are so important.  If you are struggling to see how you can be Jesus to your spouse, simply ask yourself this question. What are the five most important characteristics of Jesus Christ that you would want your spouse to fully realize? 

(Andy Stanley, Transforming Your Expectations in Marriage)

For me these are the words that come to mind.

Jesus is:

• Giving to others (others means my spouse, not just outside of my home)
• Forgiving (thank God, He does not recall the sins of my past)
• Slow to anger
• Patient (He should have given up on me a long time ago)
• Humble (He served others without asking for anything in return)

Your list may be different. Before we can begin displaying the characteristics of Jesus, we must first get to know Him. Study His word and His character.  Then we must realize we are not only called to go to the outside world to show his love, but to ‘Be Jesus” to the person God has chosen to be our companion here on this earth….That is the most important job, as a wife, you will ever have.

The Most Important Job

Adapted from iMarriage by Andy Stanley

Crystal and I will go through what a spouses’ most important job really is…and no gentlemen it has nothing to do with bringing home the cash. What is the husbands most important job? That sure is an interesting question, one that makes me automatically think that providing for my family financially IS my most important job.  Lets by honest men we judge a man pretty harshly if he is not providing for his family by working longs hours.  Hear what I am saying.  I don’t think most men care if those long hours are producing great riches, that is not relative, but he better be making the effort to shelter, feed and clothe his family.  So as men we think (at least I did) that my most important job is to work hard, make a decent living and make sure my family is provided for while maintaining our American dream.  I have learned that providing is not God’s idea of the husband’s most important job.  But you say “Tim, what about Paul’s instruction in I Timothy 5:8” – “But if any provide not for his own, especially for those of his own household, he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel.”  I am not saying that the duties of providing are not our responsibility what I am saying is that as a husband that is not God’s plan for our most important job. 

So what is “The Most Important Job”?…it is showing your spouse, through words and actions, the characteristics of Jesus Christ.  I cannot show Crystal those characteristics if all my time goes into providing for my family financially.  I cannot show her Jesus Christ if I am in a Big “I” marriage and all I care about are Tim Breaux’s needs.  I cannot show her His characteristics if…you can place any number of hobbies, actions, events in this blank.  So gentlemen when you think about the job you have to do at home and the one that is the most important think about the love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control that Christ Himself shows you every day.  These are the characteristics that will make you successful at THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB that of husband.