Dude, you got a job at the house!

Material adapted from the book For Men Only

“Your woman needs emotional security and closeness with you so much that she will endure financial insecurity to get it.”  Jeff Feldhahn.

Women want security…what does that even mean?  I bet if you polled most men and asked them what is their woman’s definition of “security”, you would get answers like “a nice house, nice car, staying at home taking care of the kids.  You might even get sitting by the pool while you are at work slaving on the job. There might even be a hot cabana pool boy in there somewhere (watch it pal this is a family blog!!!).

Let me make a point by using the concept from the book “Love and Respect”.  When women say “security”, they are saying it through a pink megaphone into our blue hearing aids.  So even though the word S-E-C-U-R-T-Y is the same it means different things to both of us.  In the book “For Men Only” the survey results are very different then what men might think.  Seven out of ten married women said if they had to, they would rather endure financial struggles than distance in the relationship.  “A woman’s primary definition of “security” is not a big house, savings account, retirement, for women it is “Emotional Security”.  The feeling of an emotional connection and closeness to you and knowing that you are there no matter what is the true security.”  What???  That is not what the guys in the locker room told us in high school!  That is not what Hollywood is telling us today!  Come on men you know we find it hard to believe that statistic…I did.  Could some of these issues really be our issues?  Think about the Inner Life of Mr. Provider. 

o  Is it possible that we find this difficult to believe because we have this innate desire to provide?

o  Doesn’t work sometimes define who we are…what do you ask a man the first time you meet him?  “So Bob, what do you do?”

o  Could it be that our sense of self worth is wrapped up in our work?

o  If helping our family achieve financial “security” is how we show love doesn’t long hours = more love?

o  The irony in this whole “security” scenario is that she wants more “emotional security” through our time and attention and we think by spending more time at work we are loving her, which gives her a feeling that she is not the priority…my head hurts!

Therefore, what we have to do is find out what S-E-C-U-R-T-Y means to her.

o  She feels secure when you two feel close (not physically but emotionally).

o  She feels secure when you make time together a priority

o  She feels secure when you demonstrate your commitment.

o  She feels secure when you are active in parenting and the life of the home.

o  She feels secure when you do make an effort to provide.

We must ask ourselves and our wives one question “Am I providing the type of security she genuinely wants and needs?”  One man stated, “Men focus on income and possessions because it is so much easier to measure success in numbers.  Loving attention is much more difficult for us to quantify. 

“Every guy I know who works hard does it at least in part because he believes he’s doing what is best for the family.  Providing for our family is commendable and a biblical injunction.  But we must be willing to ask ourselves whether we are delivering what our family genuinely needs, or whether we’ve somewhere bought into some internal or cultural assumptions that might actually be sabotaging what matters most.  If so, some adjustments are probably in order.” Jeff feldhahn