Do you love your husband? Of course you do, but did you know that your Love is not enough? Did you know that your Respect Means More to Him than even your affection?
In the amazing book that changed my whole perspective many years ago, For Women Only, Shaunti Fieldman shares several studies from various men. The results are astonishing. When asked the question, 74% of the men stated that they would rather feel alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected.
You may be thinking, respect is what I give to the elderly or he does not deserve my respect. Well, here is the deal; “If you want to love your man in the way he needs to be loved, then you need to ensure that he feels your respect most of all.” (Shaunti Fieldman)
We, as wives want to love our husbands, but respect is not something that comes naturally or something that WE THINK is important. So why does God specifically say in Ephesians 5:33, wives RESPECT your husband. God commands it because he knew that He created men to have a need to feel respected just as women have a need to feel loved. John 14:15 says, “If you love Me, you will keep my commandments.” It does not get any plainer than that. If you love God, you will respect your husband as God commanded. It is unconditional and not given only when WE THINK he deserves it.
For most of us ladies, if someone asked if we respected our husbands, the answer would be yes, without a doubt. So men, understand that we don’t mean to be disrespectful. We are trying to encourage, help, have fun or fix things without ever knowing we can be so hurtful. I have to admit in the beginning of my marriage, I had no idea that my words which seemed to be innocent to me, came across so unloving (disrespectful to Tim). So ladies let’s break it down, as in For Women Only. To show your husband love, what should you respect?
· Respect His Judgment – In the same survey mentioned above many men stated that they wished their wives would not question their knowledge or argue with their decisions all the time. Our husband is not our child. Don’t be so argumentative and respectfully appreciate his decisions.
· Respect His abilities – Men have a need to figure things out and not allowing them is interpreted as mistrust or you can not take care of me. “What is more important you being right and on time or making your husband feel you trust him?” (Shaunti Fieldman) I remember one day Tim spent an entire Saturday afternoon determine to put together a new stereo system. Instead of making fun of him or telling him to call an “expert”, I tried to cheer him on and let him know he could do it.
· Respect in Communication – We have to be sensitive to what our man is hearing no matter how we think we are saying it.
o He hears Disrespect when we tell him he can’t or needs help.
o He hears he is a Disappointment and a Failure when we continue to nag and let him know he has not completed a project.
o He feels Attacked with our tone that we think is just trying to give a gentle message.
Tim has to gently remind me he is not my child or someone I can boss around when I have my directive tone of voice.
· Respect in Public – You are probably the one person your husband has let his guard down with in his life. You have such power to build him up or tear him down by the way you treat him in public. When with a group of friends do you
o Tease him which can be torture and humiliating?
o Respect his wishes and speak kindly of him when he is absent?
o Build him up in public, brag on him, and tell of his accomplishments?
· Respect in our Assumptions – I have been so guilty of jumping to my own negative conclusions when I feel Tim is acting a certain way. See if this sounds familiar?
o We assume he needs to be reminded instead of trusting there may be a reason why he is or is not doing something. Although the reason may be different from yours, there may be a reason. Procrastinating on a home project can be a sign that he’s about to emotionally or physically crash. Seek to understand.
o We assume he is choosing not to help when we need to assume he does not see what needs to be done. Tim honestly does not see there are clothes that need to be folded if he is home by himself because it is not important to him. But once I kindly ask for him to help, he is more than willing to do so.
o We assume it’s because of him. Could it be that his behavior is because we did something that came across as disrespectful and he is hurt, but does not know how to communicate it to you. I love the suggestion Emerson Eggerich makes for clear dialog. Don’t be afraid to ask: “Was that disrespectful?” “Did I come across disrespectful?” “What can I do to show you respect.”
It is a lot to swallow but to summarize what we should do to show respect to our husbands (although there may be more or less depending on your husband)
· Build him up instead of tearing him down. He did not marry you to disappoint you.
· Always ASSUME THE BEST which will make it easier to show respect.
· Never humiliate in public. How would you like it if he teased you about gaining weight?
· Tell him you are proud of him, not just that you love him.
· Apologize for being disrespectful (for your actions, not how you know you made him feel).
“If a man’s wife believes in him, he can conquer the world – or a least his little corner of it.”
Join us over the next 12 weeks as we follow these amazing books.
Great blog especially for us newlyweds :)
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