Guarding your heart…

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

Adapted from Staying in Love by Andy Stanly

So as we talk about guarding our heart, what does that really mean?  I will start by saying if I were getting married today I would request that Crystal play the theme song to Sanford and Son.  What?…yes, because the two of us brought in so much junk it would only be appropriate to play a song that fit the occasion (for those of you youngsters or those too refined who do not know what Sanford and Son is Google the theme song…it is junk yard funk at its best!!).  “We all bring baggage from relational hurts in our pasts.  And that baggage will inescapably influence the way we experience our marriages.” (Andy Stanly in Staying in Love).  So what do we do when this “junk” starts to surface in the inevitable heated discussion?  Here are four ways to think, identify, name, and tell what the real problem is and this will help you guard your heart.

1.     Before you speak, think about what you’re actually feeling.

Is the issue really the issue?  Am I angry with Crystal because she is lovingly correcting a behavior flaw in my character or am I angry because I am embarrassed with the way I acted?

2.     Identify this emotion or reaction by name (Ex. I feel embarrased).

Is this really anger or is it embarrassment for the way I acted?  Do I feel disrespected by the way Crystal is correcting this flaw?  Do I feel picked on because she is pointing out to me my behavior?  You need to name the emotion or reaction so you can identify the source of that emotion or reaction.

3.     Once you have identified it say the name out loud.

Sorry, I did not say this stuff was easy.  However, think about what we tell addicts when they are first coming to grips with their addiction.  We tell them to admit out loud that they have a problem.  This is the same thing, you have an issue so say it out loud and let’s get the process of addressing the issue under way.

4.     Tell your partner how you feel…if and when it is appropriate.

Okay men here we go with the “feeeeling” thing again.  But how will Crystal know that I am more angry and/or embarrassed at myself for my action then at her for pointing out my behavior? How else will I allow Crystal, the person who knows me best, the ability to help me become a better, father, friend, husband?  If I do not dare to share how will she know I care (come on, that was so bad the first time I HAD to use it again!)

So think about what you are really feeling, identify the emotion, say it out load, and tell your partner.  I promise the close bond you feel with your spouse from doing this exercise will out weigh the strange feelings you feel when trying this for the first time.  Go forth, be brave and guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life (Proverbs 4:23).  And remember it is only junk that you really don't need to keep.