It's Not a Competition

To Stay in Love, we have to come to the understanding that our relationship is not a competition with our spouse.  Becoming competitive with our spouse is not something we set out to do; it can just evolve without realizing it. How can we avoid treating our spouse like an opponent instead of a team player?

1.  Give 100%

We have all been told that marriage is a 50/50 relationship. It is important to communicate with each other what responsibilities can be divided within a household so that anger and resentment do not slip in to the relationship. However, we can not allow that to become a demanded expectation. Should I continue to stuff more in the trash can without taking it out myself because that is “Tim’s job”, or should I acknowledge that he is working late that evening and will be exhausted when he gets home. In team sports, I do not remember my coach telling me to give 50% because my team mates would give the rest. We are to give 100% and do it as in Philippians 2:14.

“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure.”

2.  Publicly Praise

Remember when you were dating and you made your friends sick with all of the great and wonderful things about your spouse. Now we feel the need to correct in public, tell what “we do” to give more to the relationship or better yet, one up them. We can tell the story better, we are more “spiritual” and we definitely do not have the same struggles. To keep your mate falling in love with you over and over, talk about him/her in public with that same excitement that you had when you first dated.

3. Treat him/her as the most important person in the world

Yes, no one is more important than another in God’s eyes. I love Andy Stanley’s response is the book Staying in Love.

Imagine what it would be like if you were in the presence of the President of the United States, famous actor or singer. Would you interrupt to correct them if they were telling a story wrong; would you give up your seat for them if there was no place to sit; and you would most likely let them know how much you admire their work.  Philippians 2:7 says that Jesus made himself humble, taking the very nature of a servant. If Jesus humbled himself to serve me, why can’t I humble myself to serve Tim?

4.  Put his/her interest first

We all did some crazy things when we first dated our spouse.  If he liked to fish, you loved it.  If she liked to work out, you loved it. Then something happens over time and we realize we do not have to do the things that interest our spouse any longer. Philippians 2:4 says we should look to the interests of others (that means our spouse too).

So what happens if we give 100%, publicly praise our spouse and treat them and their interest more important, but they do not recipicate?  Well, that is their problem and between them and God.  We are really doing it unto Jesus anyway.

Adapted from Andy Stanley’s study “Staying In Love”

Staying in Love…Love is a Verb

Adapted from Andy Stanley’s study Staying in Love

Falling in love is easy…the only thing really required is a pulse.  It is the staying in love that requires work.  Our culture today tells us that if you’re not happy in your marriage and the marriage is not easy you where not meant to be so you need to go “fall in love” with someone else.  Andy Stanley makes a great point when he says “…our culture has a very low threshold for relational pain.”  If it ain’t easy just get out.    

This brings us to a great question in this culture of “Happiness”.  Can a husband and wife stay in love or better yet stay “happy” forever?  Most of us start our marriage answering this question with a resounding YES!  We believe that it is in fact possible to live happily ever after with the one we marry.  But are our standards too high?  We expect from our spouse respect, encouragement, comfort, security, support, acceptance, approval, appreciation, attention, and affection with no idea of how to give those things back.  In a great book by Gary Thomas called “Sacred Marriage” he makes the point how can we expect marital bliss when you take two sinners and slap them together under one roof and say “Okay you are married go and be happy.”  I brought my junk to this marriage and Crystal brought her junk and we had to sort through all the JUNK before we could ever begin to “Stay in Love.”

So how do we “Stay in Love”?  Christ has given us a clear message in John 13:34 (The Message) “Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another.”  Isn’t that cool how Jesus changes the word love that we use as a noun (a feeling we experience) and highlights it as a verb (action we must take).  Jesus has giving us a command to love one anther as a choice we make that will be followed with the feelings.  Submission seems to be a recurring theme in this marriage journey.  I have notice something of late as I have been working through this idea of submission and loving Crystal as Christ loves me.  I noticed that the Bible states that Christ was a servant to me and loves me as a servant.  This notion of Christ serving is difficult for me but that is exactly what He did when He stepped down from Heaven, took on the form of man, and died for my sins.  Note He did not do these things as a slave.  A slave is forced to love, but a servant desires to serve, desires to love.  The more I study what God says about marriage this theme of “love your spouse as Christ loved you” guides me to love Crystal in a way that is so counter cultural…and I am finally beginning to see the guidance I needed for “Staying in Love” was that love is moving, it is an action.  To be able to say I love Crystal I must serve as Christ served.  It takes love as an action to “Stay in Love”.

The Most Important Job!

I am definitely a Martha, not Mary, by nature. (John 10:38-42)  I feel it is my job to ensure that the house hold runs smoothly, on a schedule and is neat in an orderly fashion.  All that is good, but I can sometimes get caught up in thinking that is all has to be perfect and miss out on amazing opportunities. Opportunities such as participating in an activity with my husband, taking the time to listen to his dreams and concerns, or meeting his needs regardless of how important I think it may or may not be.

Not only can my business to get “MY JOBS” done cause me to miss out, but when not being accomplished, I can become aggrivated, angry, controlling and let’s face it, a little bossy. I can feel it is my job to instruct Tim, as his mother, on what he needs to do and how quickly it needs to be done so that everything goes according to my plan.

The truth is that my most important job for my husband and family is to demonstrate the Character of Christ here on earth.  What an amazing opportunity God has given me.  He chose me to show my husband the tangible love of Jesus here on earth.  I am the closest person to Tim here on this earth, so wouldn’t it seem natural that God would give me that responsibility above anyone else.  What a big job and much bigger than the minuscule responsibilities that I think are so important.  If you are struggling to see how you can be Jesus to your spouse, simply ask yourself this question. What are the five most important characteristics of Jesus Christ that you would want your spouse to fully realize? 

(Andy Stanley, Transforming Your Expectations in Marriage)

For me these are the words that come to mind.

Jesus is:

• Giving to others (others means my spouse, not just outside of my home)
• Forgiving (thank God, He does not recall the sins of my past)
• Slow to anger
• Patient (He should have given up on me a long time ago)
• Humble (He served others without asking for anything in return)

Your list may be different. Before we can begin displaying the characteristics of Jesus, we must first get to know Him. Study His word and His character.  Then we must realize we are not only called to go to the outside world to show his love, but to ‘Be Jesus” to the person God has chosen to be our companion here on this earth….That is the most important job, as a wife, you will ever have.

The Most Important Job

Adapted from iMarriage by Andy Stanley

Crystal and I will go through what a spouses’ most important job really is…and no gentlemen it has nothing to do with bringing home the cash. What is the husbands most important job? That sure is an interesting question, one that makes me automatically think that providing for my family financially IS my most important job.  Lets by honest men we judge a man pretty harshly if he is not providing for his family by working longs hours.  Hear what I am saying.  I don’t think most men care if those long hours are producing great riches, that is not relative, but he better be making the effort to shelter, feed and clothe his family.  So as men we think (at least I did) that my most important job is to work hard, make a decent living and make sure my family is provided for while maintaining our American dream.  I have learned that providing is not God’s idea of the husband’s most important job.  But you say “Tim, what about Paul’s instruction in I Timothy 5:8” – “But if any provide not for his own, especially for those of his own household, he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel.”  I am not saying that the duties of providing are not our responsibility what I am saying is that as a husband that is not God’s plan for our most important job. 

So what is “The Most Important Job”?…it is showing your spouse, through words and actions, the characteristics of Jesus Christ.  I cannot show Crystal those characteristics if all my time goes into providing for my family financially.  I cannot show her Jesus Christ if I am in a Big “I” marriage and all I care about are Tim Breaux’s needs.  I cannot show her His characteristics if…you can place any number of hobbies, actions, events in this blank.  So gentlemen when you think about the job you have to do at home and the one that is the most important think about the love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control that Christ Himself shows you every day.  These are the characteristics that will make you successful at THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB that of husband.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25)(NIV)…Yo Paul you got something easier!!!

I hope you all read last week’s blog by my lovely bride on submission and respect.  Men, sort of makes you poke out your chest and say “Yea WOMAN submit to me”…that is until you think about what Christ did for his bride the church.  Armed with that knowledge it made me take a step back and think “Hmmm, do I really want this job?”  As an immature newly married man I sure liked the idea of “wives submit to your husband.”  I often jokingly reminded Crystal of this passage (about the only one I knew) when we first got married.  Then I started to read past the part for Crystal and focused on what God called me to do.  If you want a great visual of “…love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…”  pop in the DVD The Passion of the Christ by Mel Gibson and let me know if you are man enough for that!!!  Specifically pay special attention to the flogging and ask yourself if helping around the kitchen, listening, sharing, picking up the kids (you fill in the blank) is really that bad.  Honestly I dodged this responsibility for the first 5 years of my marriage and I am still finding my way around Paul’s edict.  Although, time and study has given me a better grasp of what Christ is asking of me as the leader of my home. 

Loving my wife as Christ loved the church is daunting if you really think about ALL that Christ did for his church and for you.  Let us take a look at the rest of the story in Ephesians 5:26-28 (NIV)

²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

1.      “to make her holy” – Holy means to set apart, to sanctify and as a husband I am to set Crystal apart from everyone else…including Hannah & Zach (our children).  To make her special in the way that no other person is special to me.  What woman does not desire a love that places them at the center of that universe?  I don’t mean to imply that I worship Crystal in an obsessive unhealthy way but in a way that she knows nothing could come between the love we share.  This includes children, parents, (leave & cleave), hobbies and yes even my career.

2.      “present her to himself…” – The word “present” in the original Greek is paristemi which means “to place beside or near…to bring to, bring near (http://www.searchgodsword.org/).  Hampton Keathley IV in his study “Love Your Wife Sacrificially” said that “The purpose of love is the perfecting of the one loved.”  Isn’t that a part of unconditional love?  Isn’t that what Christ is doing to and for us?  Christ served me by hanging on a cross allowing me a place at the banquet table.  I am to present my bide “as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but HOLY (there is that word again) and blameless” because “love is the perfecting of the one loved.”  I see this passage as my duty to build Crystal up, to honor her with my words, to do all I can to help her be the best in Christ she can be.  Placing my wife underneath me (door mat) is not biblical; it is not the word picture I get from Ephesians 5:25-28.  

3.      “…love their wives as their own bodies.” –In Genesis 2:24 our example of the first marriage is to “…become one flesh.”  with our wives.  If we are one flesh than how can a man harm is own body?  Or I guess the better question is why?  When you place your wife beneath you or criticize, ignore, manipulate, dishonor, etc you are doing that unto yourself.  Don’t most of us want the best for ourselves whether that is physically, financially, emotionally, or through hobbies, work, relationships, etc?  We desire what is best for our own “bodies”…well according to God’s plan what we desire for us means we also desire that for our wives.

To quote the great theologian, Uncle Ben in Spider Man "With great power there must come great responsibility” Christ left us His great power, the Holy Spirit, and our great responsibility is to “…love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…”  Submission sure brings on a whole new meaning when you find out that husbands are commanded to be submissive to Christ.  Crystal submits to this broken down sinner of a man (Tim Breaux) and I have to submit to perfection (Christ)…I want to trade!

I am not a Door Mat

Respect and Submit!  If I do, I will be a doormat. Have you ever felt that way?

As an independent woman, I never felt I needed a man for approval (even in my younger years, thanks to mom and dad). However, as a young married woman, I did think I could do my thing and he could his and we would always be happy.  That is not what the Bible says.

I am happy to say that I am still a self sufficient woman. I have been given an amazing opportunity in a leadership position within my career, but there is no doubt that Tim is the leader of our household, but I definitely do not feel I am a doormat.

Let’s break down these two powerful words that we say in our vows.  Here is what they have come to mean to me.

1. Submit

The Bible says in Eph. 5:22 that we, as wives, are to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord.  What does that mean?  Well, when I submit to Tim, I should not be looking at Tim’s face, but looking at the face of Jesus. Do you want to give back to God? Do you have a desire to serve him with all of your heart?  How you submit to the Lord, is how you submit to your husband.

God has given husbands the awesome responsibility of loving us as Christ loved the church.  He is to give of himself and love us unconditionally as Christ did. What an amazing sacrifice commanded by God to my husband.  I know what you may be saying, Well, my husband definitely does not do that.  I have yet to find any place in the Bible that says, wives submit to your husband

·         When he does…….

·         If he will…….

·         Only when he…….

God says do it unto Him.  I am so thankful God does not say to me, I will love and forgive you

·         When you do…….

·         If you will…….

·         Only when you…..

If you think your husband does not love you like Christ loved the church or it is a partnership without a leader, answer the question by Emerson Eggerich in the book Love and Respect.  If someone broke into your house tonight, who would take charge to protect your family?  I think we all know the answer. I do not know about you, ladies, but that is not a responsibility I desire to have. Now, I am not saying God is calling us to be submissive if it means going against God’s word.  If your husband is asking you to commit sinful acts, that is not being submissive under God. But a good willed husband may not do “everything” you think he should do, but he would give his life for you in a heartbeat?

          2. Respect

In reading Eph 5:33 God commands husbands to love, but he commands wives to respect. I believe God gave that command to wives because he created men with a genuine need to feel respected. Yes, as women we do need to feel respected, but they need it in a different way. We can hug and kiss our husbands; we can send cards; we can make cookies and shower with them with gifts, but none of that matters if we are not giving them the respect they so desire. As the leader of the house, we need to TELL him that we appreciate and respect (don’t use the word love) his hard work each day (even if you contribute financially).  We need to honor his requests and wishes even if we may think it is not important.  I can not tell Tim that I love him and hide shopping bags so he does not know now much I spent. Disrespectful!

I can’t laugh at him and say I love you yet continue to leave the door open upstairs after he asked me over and over to keep shut to save electricity. Disrespectful!  Being mindful of his request to keep the door closed, even when he is not home, means more to him than a great big hug and kiss.

What I have learned is that respect can look so different for different men.  If you want to meet your husband’s deepest need, try every now and then to replace the words, “I love you” with “I Respect You.” ‘What can I do to show you respect?”  You may be surprised of the answer.

You may also see a submission in him that you have never seen (not that it should be done for that reason :0) ) and realize that submit and respect does not mean you are a doormat.


Crystal

DARE to SHARE to show you CARE...(that is one bad title!!!)

My daughter Hannah (who is in fact female hence the moniker “daughter”) is not the greatest conversationalist when it comes to talking on the phone.  My friends with teenage daughters tell me this will change drastically in several years.  But for now Hannah’s conversations usually sound like this:

MawMaw Breaux - “Hey Hannah how was your day?”
Hannah - “Good”
MawMaw Breaux –“What was good about it?”
Hannah – “Everything”
MawMaw Breaux – “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”
Hannah – “Okay. I love you, bye.”

And off to play with her brother as she hands the phone to me or Crystal.  Gentlemen how many times have we had this same conversation with our wives?  How many times have I answered the questions in the least amount of the English language I could muster…many!  Our wives are not looking for the minutest details of our day, although some may desire just that, what our wives are seeking is a connection not a conversation.  The conversation is simply the means in which they will connect.  So I have three points of advice when it comes to the inevitable “talks” we must have with our wives.

1.  Dare – If you dare to invest in this language of love that is spoken by females the dividends will pay off in so many areas of your life…and yes that includes your sex life.  No, the sole reason to have conversations with our wives is not for the action we will get later.  But the reality is that your wife is more receptive and open when you are speaking (figuratively and literally) her language. 

I would venture a guess that 100% of the men I know would die for their wives and would take a good ol’ fashion beat down to step up and defend the honor of their bride.  But ask those same men to sit for 15 minutes and have conversation with their wives about their day and they start to contemplate that death and a beat down really isn’t so bad.  I got this advice from Dr. Emerson Eggrest in his best selling program “Love & Respect”.  If you and your wife designate 15 minutes a day for her to share (and you share back) that will sow the seeds of connection for your wife.  Let her know that you are not able to handle all the juicy details that is something she can save for her friends.  This 15 minute investment in your wife daily will bind a connection that nothing can tear apart.

2.  Share – It has been said that communication is a two way street.  And if you desire to do this right you will need to share with your wife things that matter to you which in turn will matter to her.  I totally understand the argument “I have lived my day once why would I want to relive it when I get home?”  But that is part of this two way street.  Most wives do not want to know every detail they just want you to SHARE a part of your life, a part of who you are as a man, and a large part of that is our need to provide for our family.  Our wives want to share in that part of our life that makes us man.  Don’t forget that your wife has a life too.  Whether she is working full time outside or inside the home she desires to share with you her day.  Simply ask her “How was your day?” this gives her a sense of importance, a sense that you care about who she is and what she does. 

3.  Care  - The bottom line is gentlemen Christ CARED enough to die for your sins (Oh I know he did not break out the God card…Oh I did!!!).  I have said this many times in our Couples Class it is easy to die for our wives when an intruder is coming into our homes, I dare to say what true man would not.  But it is very difficult to die of ourselves and DARE to do what is needed for our wives to be the wife God desires her to be.  In future post we will discuss the book The Love Languages and in that book Gary Chapman discusses “filling the love tank”.  If you are not care enough to share with your wife then that tank will never be full.  And if that tank is never full or even close to being full then she will never be fulfilled.  But if you CARE enough about the spiritual, emotional, and physical well being of your wife you will share.

God bless you brothers may you DARE to SHARE to show you CARE…and yes I know that this last line is so corny!!!