Keeper of the Visual Rolodex

Adapted from the Book For Women Only

Keeper of the Visual Rolodex.  Isn’t that an interesting name for chapter 6 in the book For Women Only?  To put it bluntly, it is natural for men to look at other women,  and believe it or not, it is hard for them to forget…thus becoming like a rolodex of images in his mind..

I know it is hard to hear, but here is the light bulb in this very interesting chapter. “Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women-and, at the same time, a man needs his wife to be willing to make the effort to take care of herself for him.”

If this is a shock, can you believe even Job, a noble man of God, knew this was a struggle. He understood the magnitude of this temptation and knew it had to be addressed.

He states in Job 1:8

“I made a covenant with my eyes, not to look lustfully at a girl.”

Even if your husband is the finest man in all the earth it may be a struggle not to look. Even if there is no eye candy, he has a “mental Rolodex” of stored images that can intrude into his thoughts without warning or can be called up at will”.  Kind of like that chocolate ice cream we know is in the back of the freezer.

So this may be scary to many of us out there to think that our men are constantly gawking and thinking about other women.  This revelation is meant to change us as women and help us to understand they have this temptation, but it is what he does with that temptation.  For every man, sensual images and thoughts arrive involuntarily.  It is not only unintentional, but automatic, however, he can choose to “take every thought captive” and dwell on them or dismiss them just as Job.

Once we accept men have different struggles than we do, we can change our attitude and remember these key points.

         

·  Every Man is Different

Every man experiences different levels of visual temptation whether it is involuntary or easy to handle sexy advertisement, yet other may struggle with it for days.

·  It’s Not Because of You

It is not because of how you look, what you have done or not done, or because of lack of love for you.

·  This Doesn’t Impact His Feelings for You

We can also play an active role

·  Pray for him

   Ask God to protect him and your heart so that you do not have feelings of anger or hopelessness, but feelings of encouragement.

·  Support Him

Notice and appreciate your husband’s efforts to honor you. Thank him for turning his eye and changing the TV when inappropriate. Think about what you are watching or magazines you are leaving out that may be a temptation for him.

·  Recognize the common factors that make it harder for a man to stay pure in his thoughts.

Help him to not enter the HALT phase. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  If a man is working long hours, is out of sorts with the world, feels unappreciated, feels like a failure as a provider, or is far from home, any or all of those things could weaken his resolve.  If you have ever found yourself eating the entire box of cookies when you feel unhappy, you can understand this dynamic.

·  Determine your involvement

   It is a very sensitive subject, but ask him what you can do to help but don’t be a police. He needs  to find a male friend to hold him  accountable, not his wife.

·  Put effort into your own appearance

The effort you put into your appearance is extremely high on your husband’s priority list, yet, the chance that he will ever expressed this to you is extremely low.  How scary would it be for him to tell you that? 

         

And now ladies, I can not end without addressing the biggest role we have in this temptation.  We need to champion modesty in our self.  I know you will say that some women know what they are doing, but I think that most women are totally clueless about this problem. Not being aware of the magnitude of this temptation, women can thoughtlessly contribute to it.

What you may think is “cute”  may not be the thoughts and words that come to the mind of another man.  Your effort to be modest in your appearance is important to the mental Rolodex of someone else’s husband. 

The knowledge of this temptation is very powerful and mostly likely not something your husband will want to discuss.  So take this information, learn from it and pray about what you can do instead of becoming angry and insecure with this information.  Remember, we have different temptations and we are placed together by God to lift up in prayer.

"Let's Talk About Sex"

Sorry we have been a little out of pocket lately.  We will try to get back to our normal postings of one per week.

Adapted from the book For Men Only

Cheryl James, Sandra Denton & Dee Dee Roper or Salt N Pepa, as most of us know them, said it best when they sang the lyrics “Let’s Talk About Sex”.  It is my opinion, as a Christian, we should heed their advice because if not in the context of God’s word then where can we talk about sex.  Let’s face it men, do you really think the guys in the locker room in high school knew what they were talking about when it came to sex?  I am sorry to break it to you but your teenage “stud” hero friend when you were a young man with the entire Playboy magazine’s collection…ya he was an idiot! 

Today’s topic is a follow up from Crystal’s blog but in this post I will focus on the men and how we as husbands should honor our wives in and out of the bedroom.  In the book “For Men Only” Jeff Feildhahn buts it this way “We think male and female humans are the same creatures, only with different and nicely matching body parts.  We assume we have the same sexual wiring…As one of my puzzled buddies put it, ‘If sex is free and it’s fun, why does she not want lots of free fun?’” You know that is a really great question.  So let us explore that a little more by looking at five truths about our brides and sexuality.

1. She has a lower sex drive than you – and she’d change that fact if she could.

You read that right.  If your wife could change her lower sex drive, she would check out number two to see what you can do about it.

2. She needs more warm-up time than you.

Remember how you use to have to allow the carburetor engines time to warm up before you could speed off into the sunset.  Our wives are no different, work with me here.  “Hey, how about a little action!” is not foreplay for your wife.  She needs to be warmed up and doing the dishes just may be the trick.

3. Your body (no matter how much of a stud you are) does not by itself turn on her body.

I love the story Dr. Emerson Eggress tells of how as your wife gets out of the shower all you can do is stare. It is a sight to behold.  But when you walk out of the shower what does she say…”Hey, get on the mat! Dry yourself off don’t just stand there you’re getting everything wet!  Cover yourself up for goodness sake!” 

4. For her, sex starts in her heart.

Her body’s ability to respond to you sexually is tied to how she feels emotionally about you at that moment.  If you have a fight in the morning and in the afternoon you have forgotten and want to have sex, she cannot feel a sexual desire until the issue is resolved and she feels connected to you again.  Remember in an earlier blog, bring it full circle and close the pop-up.

5. She wants pleasure as much as you do – and if it is not happening, she may be reluctant.

“Some wives don’t experience pleasure when they are intimate with their husbands (around 16%).  Set aside your ego and your defensiveness and open the lines of communication.  This could be a time to learn from issues and may be part of the reason your wife does not want to have more sex.”

SO WHAT IS A BROTHA SUPPOSE TO DO?

1. Pay attention to her – it’s the little things

Great sex starts with helping your wife feel happy and close to you outside the bedroom.

2. Give chase, Agent 007. (The time for pursuit is…always)

A women needs to feel sexy to her man.  But many men do not spend the time or effort in affirming their spouse sexually outside the bedroom.  You should never feel the deal is closed.  Always pursue…ALWAYS!

   3. Warm her up.

Find out what this means to your wife and become a pro.  If that means helping with the kids, cleaning the kitchen or listening to her next to candlelight, figure it out and do it well.

4. Sometimes, hug her just to hug her.

Early in our marriage I had to learn that Crystal needed non-sexual hugs.  I needed to touch Crystal for her sake not mine…with an emphasis on the “non-sexual”.  I also realized I needed to send her a sweet e-mail during day, rub her back, cuddle with her in bed for non-sexual reasons…did I mention non-sexual touch?

5. Help her around the house.  It helps you.

“John Gottman – famous marriage psychologist found in a study that men who do more housework have both happier marriages and better sex lives.”

6. Don’t take “not tonight” personally – use it as a learning tool.

   7. Clean up your act.

o  “Several women, upon finding out that we were writing this chapter, asked Shaunti privately, “you will tell them to brush their teeth, won’t you?”

o  As you prepare for sex look at it as if you were preparing for a date, brush your teeth, shave, DON’T STANK!!!!

8.    When in doubt, ask her.

Gentlemen, we have to understand that our wives sexual desire is not wrong just different.  If you try these things you just might get more sex.  But I will promise you if your intention is solely more sex and you don’t have the heart of a servant or the desire to love your wife as Paul instructs us in Ephesians 5:25-31 you will fail.  This is about love not sex and if you understand that you just might be okay.

Sex Unlocks a Man’s Emotions (Guess Who Holds the Key?)

I have to begin by saying, like most women, I am not comfortable talking about this topic in a public setting. It does not come easy for me. With that being said, I also know that it is a subject that needs to be discussed and not taken lightly. I am concerned when I hear women joke about sex and their husband because they never know or understand how deeply it affects them, not just physically but emotionally. Remember, I am speaking to the ladies. Tim will hit this subject in a couple of weeks with the guys.

What we, ladies have to remember is…

“Our sexual desire for our husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life”. (Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only)

Believe it or not, sex is not just physical, but fills a powerful emotional need in most men

Think of it like this. “A lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating to you.”  How would you feel if every time you asked him to spend some time with you just to talk, he rolled his eyes and disregarded your request? It may seem silly, but remember it is a need that we don’t understand and a need that GOD created him to have different from us.  And while, it may seem inappropriate at times that he desires intimacy such as during a difficult loss, argument or stressful situations, remember it is his way to fill an EMOTIONAL need not just physical. So why is it so important?

·  Fulfilling Sex gives him Confidence

Believe it or not, YOU have the power to build confidence in him in every area of his life. What happens in the bedroom really does affect how he feels the next day about himself and at work.  Have you ever notices his disposition after you have shared intimacy? Was he energetic, spring in his step, the same, gloomy, cheerful to the point of being silly?

·  Fulfilling Sex makes him feel Loved and Desired

I love this quote from a man surveyed in For Women Only,

“I wish my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, you are more important to me that anything else in the world.  It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other”.

We can get so caught up in our “To Do List” of things to show him how much we love him like cleaning the house, cooking, making sure he has nice clean clothes and always looks nice, that we totally miss out on the one thing he wants us to make a priority for him. WE think we know that it is important that we don’t realize the consequences of our responses and view his desire for sex more as a physical desire and an insensitive demand.

Every man wants to fill loved and desired as in Song of Solomon 3:1-4.  I encourage you to read this passage that describes the passion and desire she had for her beloved. This amazing book in the Bible shares the beautiful story of a Godly, passionate romance.

·  Unfulfilling Sex can Wound his heart.

When we say we don’t want to, or act as if it is a sense of duty, it sends a message that we are rejecting him.  It can cause resentment and hurt that can result into anger.

So my question to you today is….

What is the overriding message your husband has received from you so far?

Is that you are a busy lady and your home and job are more important to you; is it, I am available if you want to, but not particularly interested; or is it I love and desire you and nothing will keep me from you?

To ensure we are sending the right message to our husband and to close the sex gap between husbands and wives, we as women need to make a conscious effort to

·  Choose to love him in the way he needs

Remember you are affecting him emotionally, his

heart, not just physically.

·  Talk to him and ASK him what he needs

I know that is scary, but we have to talk about sex to avoid the misunderstandings, anger and resentment that can build up. Make sure he knows that you may be tired at times and it is not HIM that you are rejecting.  Share with him things he may be able to do to relieve some of your stress that gives you more energy for him.

·  Get involved…and have more fun, too

Make the first move every now and then, spice it
up occasionally.

·  Make sex a priority

Are the needs you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?

Are the many other things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one?

Col 3:12

¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Dude, you got a job at the house!

Material adapted from the book For Men Only

“Your woman needs emotional security and closeness with you so much that she will endure financial insecurity to get it.”  Jeff Feldhahn.

Women want security…what does that even mean?  I bet if you polled most men and asked them what is their woman’s definition of “security”, you would get answers like “a nice house, nice car, staying at home taking care of the kids.  You might even get sitting by the pool while you are at work slaving on the job. There might even be a hot cabana pool boy in there somewhere (watch it pal this is a family blog!!!).

Let me make a point by using the concept from the book “Love and Respect”.  When women say “security”, they are saying it through a pink megaphone into our blue hearing aids.  So even though the word S-E-C-U-R-T-Y is the same it means different things to both of us.  In the book “For Men Only” the survey results are very different then what men might think.  Seven out of ten married women said if they had to, they would rather endure financial struggles than distance in the relationship.  “A woman’s primary definition of “security” is not a big house, savings account, retirement, for women it is “Emotional Security”.  The feeling of an emotional connection and closeness to you and knowing that you are there no matter what is the true security.”  What???  That is not what the guys in the locker room told us in high school!  That is not what Hollywood is telling us today!  Come on men you know we find it hard to believe that statistic…I did.  Could some of these issues really be our issues?  Think about the Inner Life of Mr. Provider. 

o  Is it possible that we find this difficult to believe because we have this innate desire to provide?

o  Doesn’t work sometimes define who we are…what do you ask a man the first time you meet him?  “So Bob, what do you do?”

o  Could it be that our sense of self worth is wrapped up in our work?

o  If helping our family achieve financial “security” is how we show love doesn’t long hours = more love?

o  The irony in this whole “security” scenario is that she wants more “emotional security” through our time and attention and we think by spending more time at work we are loving her, which gives her a feeling that she is not the priority…my head hurts!

Therefore, what we have to do is find out what S-E-C-U-R-T-Y means to her.

o  She feels secure when you two feel close (not physically but emotionally).

o  She feels secure when you make time together a priority

o  She feels secure when you demonstrate your commitment.

o  She feels secure when you are active in parenting and the life of the home.

o  She feels secure when you do make an effort to provide.

We must ask ourselves and our wives one question “Am I providing the type of security she genuinely wants and needs?”  One man stated, “Men focus on income and possessions because it is so much easier to measure success in numbers.  Loving attention is much more difficult for us to quantify. 

“Every guy I know who works hard does it at least in part because he believes he’s doing what is best for the family.  Providing for our family is commendable and a biblical injunction.  But we must be willing to ask ourselves whether we are delivering what our family genuinely needs, or whether we’ve somewhere bought into some internal or cultural assumptions that might actually be sabotaging what matters most.  If so, some adjustments are probably in order.” Jeff feldhahn

A Lonely Burden!

According to the studies in For Women Only, a husband’s need to provide weighs him down more than one may think. However, it is a burden that most men say they want to take.

Having this need to provide can often seem confusing to us as a wife.  With this burden may be:

·         His need to work long hours,

·         His primary way to say I love you

·         How he identifies himself

·         His drive to succeed to make YOU proud of him.

There is also a fear of failure which can consume his thoughts.  I know I sometimes don’t get it, either.

You may be saying, “he works all of the time”.  I do believe there must be a balance.  I will always want and have a need for Tim to spend quality time with our family as well as the two of us.  I will always have a desire for us to have long talks and open communication. So it is very important that I communicate my desires, encourage him in the Lord and be supportive so that he does not feel trapped with this lonely burden.

The most important question and quite frankly a journey for me as a wife is How Can I Help Tim with this burden.

·      Become part of the Solution

Several men have stated that the best thing their mate can do is to show that she realizes how tight things are by refusing to spend money unnecessarily. We send mix messages when we tell our husband we want to spend more time with him, yet we tell him WE NEED MORE. Before spending, ask yourself, do we have the money for this purchase? Is it a need or want, will this put additional burden on my husband.

·      Encourage and Appreciate Him

Avoid words like “adjusting to”, “sacrificing for”, or “being willing to accept” as a way to let him know you support him.  Those words only make him feel like he is letting you down.

·   Just Say Thank you

Make a list of the things for which you can thank your provider husband.

Make a list of what you can do to be a part of the solution

·  Be faithful

Being faithful to your husband means more than honoring your marriage vows sexually.  When we lie, hide, sneak, or connive, we are not being faithful.  Does he feel we are being faithful if we are consistently at odds with him about money?

·  As the Manager of the Finances

Even if you are the record keeper and manager of the finances, it does not remove from him the burden he feels.  If he is already feeling insecure about providing, then he doesn’t need you to “ have all the answers.”

Proverbs 3:7

Don’t consider yourself to be wise;     

fear the Lord and turn away from evil

Trust in God and give him control in every area of your life, including your finances.

                    Proverbs 3:1-2

My son, don’t forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commands; for they will bring you many days a full life, and well-being.

Ladies, I had to learn little words that seemed insignificant to me were added pressure on Tim.  Words such as, “one day”, “I want”, “we need”, “when we get” sent him the message that he needed to work more.  If you want to get real, ask your husband how you can take away his LONELIEST BURDEN!

For deeper study, pick up the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn

What do your wife and Microsoft have in common?

Sorry for the delay in getting this new posting.  The Breaux’s welcomed a new member to the family last week...no it was not us…Crystal’s sister had a baby.

Adapted from the book For Men Only

This chapter was the single most significant “ah ha” moment for me within this book; and arguably could be one of the most significant teachings to help me understand my bride and the workings of her amazing brain…so please gentlemen read on. 

OPEN WINDOWS

So how is your wife and Microsoft the same?  They both have Windows and pop-ups.  Let me explain what is going on inside your wife’s head right now at this moment.  Like your work computer, she has several “windows” open all at the same time.  Sometimes she can only minimize these windows and not really close them out.  In addition, if she closes one window another will take its place.  Not only does she have several windows open she also has spam that pops-up in her head that she really can’t control.  The windows represent her day-to-day life and all the emotions and “to-dos” and the spam is emotions and/or events from her past that she cannot control, and according to most women, she would if she could.

THERE’S LOTS GOIN’ ON IN THERE

I am starting to understand that Crystal tends to have many different thoughts and feelings all running at the same time.  This may explain why women jump topics in the middle of conversation.  There are so many of these windows, pop-ups and spam going off inside her head.  She is attempting to address them all…all at the same time.  Men, with the limited mental capacity we posses, we handle emotions and issues sequentially; we open a window, address it and close the window.  You must understand your wife does not.

INVASION OF THE POP-UPS

“Many woman surveyed stated they experience uninvited thoughts or feelings, from the present or the past, that pop-up and interrupt their day.”  These pop-ups may be unresolved emotional issues, hurts from a conversation, or concerns from last night, last month, or ten years ago.  You may say “she is getting historical” and “dwelling on the past” but we men have to understand that the “issue” is not closed.  And to your wife it is irrational behavior not to address the "issue", and she will return to the "issue" until the pop-up window is closed.  And trust me it will benefit you to help her close that pop-up so it goes away…all the way.

WHERE’S THE CLOSE BUTTON

As stated before women find it difficult to close off these windows.  In the survey results in For Men Only “4 out of 5 women stated that closing out their unwanted thoughts either required effort or was impossible.”  Let us be honest men we have no problem closing the window especially if we do not want to deal with the emotion.  Does this sound familiar your wife ends an argument with “FINE!” you shot back “FINE!” you both walk away.  You think, “Man am I glad that is over.”  Your wife thinks, “When do I need to bring this back up?”  “I hope we talk about this tomorrow when we have cooled down.”  “I can’t believe he end the argument this way the night before my big presentation. I will think about this all day.”…not wrong just different.  This may help you relate.  You just lost your biggest client on Thursday.  Your boss stops by your office on Friday afternoon and says he wants to talk to you first thing Monday morning.  What are you thinking about all weekend?

WHAT ARE WE TO DO

1. Remember she is not male and you are not female.  Therefore, you have to realize what she needs.  Allow and even encourage her to process the windows through talking them out and listening…don’t solve just listen.
2. Realize you may not be the issue, even though the issue affects you.  Ask if you are the problem and if you are take the steps towards closure.  And if you are not the problem listen…shut up Tim Breaux and simply LISTEN!!! (if any of you know me I really do have a problem).
3. Help her clear those distracting or painful windows so they don’t keep coming back…give her closure.  Ask yourself “What can I do to help?”  An easy example; Sunday mornings are very busy at the Breaux household.  I had to learn to ask Crystal “What can I do to help?”  This allowed Crystal the ability to close the windows that she would assign to me.  I am responsible for getting Zach dressed (of course, she does not let me pick the clothes), making sure Hannah & Zach’s teeth are brushed and that all study material is in the car.  Those items are now removed from her list.

Gentlemen, we must remember God made us different, not wrong, just different and that is what makes this thing we call marriage work...and you have to work at it.  So start to use the terminology around the house…”Baby (insert pet name here), what pop-ups or windows can I help you close today?” 

 

The Performance of a Lifetime

Adapted from the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahan

Here is another secret your man may never reveal, despite their “in control” exterior, men can often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered. Really? I have to admit, this was hard for me to believe. I am married to a very confident man, and therefore did not always feel like I needed to give him words of encouragement. I believed in him and ASSUMED he did too.

But according to a study in For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahan, three out of four men are insecure at times, but don’t want to show it.  To compensate for this insecurity, many men feel the need to work long hours and become exhausted by the need to look “on the ball” all of the time. Naturally, a man’s need to perform and do his best usually takes its greatest toll at the job. However, one man in the survey stated: “At least at work, I have an idea of how to succeed-work hard, get ahead, complete assignments and get in good with the boss.  At home, what is the measure of success?’

If that thought has never crossed your mind, ask your husband if he feels that way.  If so, what are we to do?

1. Affirm him with YOUR CONFIDENCE:

There are many things that Tim does for his job and our family.  I have complete confidence in him but have not always verbalized it to him. I need to let him know how much I believe in him and appreciate what he does.

2. Do not knock him when he is down, he is hard enough on himself.  My desire is for our home to be a safety net for Tim.  When he has had a hard day or feels as though he has failed, I do not need to add more pressure with criticism.

Proverbs 18:14 says,

A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?

Ladies, lets never forget the power we have to sustain our husband during hard times. Above all else, he wants to know you believe and trust in him.

3. Appreciate his vulnerability toward you.

We expect and desire our husband to do and be so many things. Yet we can often correct him if we think it is not just right. Does this sound familiar?

• We want him to be the spiritual leader of our house, yet we criticize the way he prays or spends time with God.
• We want him to be more romantic, yet when he is, it is not done the right way according to how we are feeling that day.
• We want him to handle the finances yet we do not totally trust his decisions and feel the need to correct.

      Proverbs 18:12 says

Before his downfall, a man’s heart is proud, but before honor comes humility.

Is your husband able to humble himself and admit he needs help and encouragement, without receiving criticism based on your personal fears or insecurity?

              

4.      Be his biggest cheerleader

I do not want anyone in this world encouraging or bragging on Tim more than I do. I have been so guilty of caring about what is on the outside such as how I look, how my house looks or the perfect home cooked meal that I miss opportunities to lift him up. He would rather come in to a positive and upbeat wife than a perfect house.  In “For Women Only, the men surveyed were quoted as saying,

“Men will receive admiration from other men in sports, and from other women, but what they want most is to receive it at home.”

Each day our husband feels like he is performing.  Do not  let a day go by, that he does not feel you believe in him.

Hebrews 3:13 says

But encourage each other daily, while it is still called today, so that none of you is hardened by sin’s deception.